We all have some sort of an idea of what it means to be fulfilled. We have a picture perfect idea of what life should be and how this will satisfy the inner yearning for success, in whatever form that may take. For me, and for as long as I can remember, this was always steered towards my career.
As an undergraduate, in my early forays into the working world, most interviewers would inevitably ask "where do you see yourself in five years?"- a question I loathed, because really I had absolutely no idea at that point. My journey was just beginning and although I had an abstract idea of what my life should look like in a few years, it could have no real substance yet, wide-eyed and ambitious, true to my name, having the Sanskrit meaning 'ambition', I had what I believed was the ideal picture of my life and career, albeit full of naivety and this is probably where my quest for fulfilment truly began.
For a long time, I defined fulfilment (and perhaps to an extent, happiness) with specific targets – as I am sure most of us do. We measure satisfaction in consideration of specific parameters and pat ourselves on the back with each target that is met.
I am going to take you back into the archives for some insight into my journey, which I guess has moulded and perhaps influenced my perspective, which has largely outlined the parameters I had set for reaching fulfilment.
When I was 17, I made the decision to study law – I wanted to be a lawyer! I wanted to make grand speeches and win people’s hearts and cases (Alan Shore and Denny Crane combined with a touch of Madiba's spirit, if you will) and I wanted to MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Not in a corporate tagline advertising its social responsibility kind of way, I mean really make a difference - and seek justice for all! And boy, did I believe I could. At the time, I didn't quite understand yet, that anyone has the platform to effect change and betterment, in whatever small way. That you don’t need a soap box or to be behind a movement to do this, but that will all come later. I had strong ideals and opinions and I believed that I could change the world.
Don't get me wrong, my motivations were not all selfless - I also really wanted to wear pencil skirts and crisp shirts and carry a fancy leather briefcase. I wanted to serve the looks!
Point being, at the time, I had a very different view of the world and life, which I am sure most 17 year-olds do, because there is no experience like life experience. I never dreamed of being in a corporate environment. I mean what a sell out, right?
There is a famous line in the intro to How to get away with Murder where Annelise states that half of the students would become “sell outs” to corporate. I could never imagine this with all the dreams I had at the time.
So there I was, bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to take on this degree and the world. And then... started the incessant planning and box ticking to be able to even start working on this goal. Study LLB, check. Sign contract of articles of clerkship, check. Insert real life, where the firm I was at closed and it took me 3 years of working other odd jobs until securing articles again. Pass fit and proper test, check. Complete Practical Legal Training, check. Pass Board Exams, check. Complete articles (1 year), check. Apply to the High Court of South Africa to be admitted as an attorney, check.
Of course, there was a lot of life in between all these exercises and in between the struggles I questioned (many times) whether this journey was for me and whether it was even worth it, however the point I am trying to demonstrate is that up until this point all these steps were predetermined. I had to do all these things so that at the end of it, every step taken would be worth it when a court orders that I have fulfilled the requirements to practice and be enrolled as an attorney.
Now all my boxes are checked. Now what?
Well, actually… I decided that practicing law is in fact not for me. I hated it. I hated litigation. I hated the environment and [most of] the people. I hated billable hours. I hated the big conglomerates I was making richer, acting against the little guy that had motivated my career in the first place; to fight for. I hated the work I was doing, plain and simple. I would sit in my car when I got home and I would cry. The kind of cry that comes from your gut. I was utterly lost because I didn’t know – what next? For the last 7 years, every step, barring rejection and failed attempts, was planned. I knew what I had to do and kept at it, until it was done. I did it. And now, I had no flipping clue what to do next. And I had no idea what I wanted to do. Next, and with my life, in general.
I always had a bit of an itch trying to find my niche of where I belong in the legal fraternity as well as the world. Being a creative mind, yet also an analytical one, I had no idea where I fit in.
So, I left practice and went on a trip. I travelled alone – for the first time in my 26 years. It was the most liberating experience. I then returned and started working for Deloitte (not in a legal role) with the hopes that doors would open once on the inside. I wasn’t wrong. On the side, to make some extra money, I started drafting small contracts for people and businesses: leases, subcontracting, that kind of thing. This is where I realised I actually really enjoyed commercial practice. I didn’t want to have anything to do with the disputes after the fact – I wanted to be the first step. To draft a bullet proof contract that would be fair, protect both parties and hopefully avoid disputes and the need for litigation. Here, I found my niche. And just like that, everything leading to where I should be; the universe started opening up doors – I landed a legal adviser role within a service line and then eventually moved to the legal counsel team of Deloitte Africa.
I was living the dream! Right?
Yet, I still had this nagging picture of this little girl, with big dreams and wondering HOW I could realise them. I could hear Annelise, calling me a sell out. Feeling I should be doing more; that I should be more. Remembering how much I wanted to make a difference and add value to the world. And here I was just drafting and negotiating contracts.
By most people’s standards, I was doing well in my career. Some might say, successful. However, I still felt like something was missing and I was solely relying on my JOB to fix this. Because in the very beginning of this journey to fulfilment - fuelled by my career ambitions, it was my JOB that was going to give me this great platform to be a great leader and do amazing things for others and ultimately lead to fulfilment. And now, my job was not quite hitting the mark.
I was feeling this immense pressure to be successful (whatever that may mean at any given time by any passing commentator, which was evolving at every turn) and if I was not making these great strides in my career that equated to “success” [also insert comparison culture fuelled by social media, seeing my peers achieve greatness that I was not living up to] and I was also not a wife or bearing children (also a measure of success for some but was never on my radar of priorities) – then what exactly was I doing with my life? I was literally questioning it all at this point. Why am I here?
I did not have “job satisfaction” from the above perspective. Like any area of our lives, satisfaction is made up of smaller boxes that we need ticked and only then would we say, we are satisfied. But it begs the further enquiry of: how full does each box have to be? Does EVERY box need to be ticked? Does it have to be a 100% value? My job was ticking all the [other] boxes: I enjoyed my day to day work, I felt valued and well respected by colleagues and leaders alike, I was in a positive environment and worked with truly great people. I just didn’t feel like I was enough. I wasn’t doing enough. I wasn't achieving enough. I wasn't giving back to the community that had ignited this passion in me to begin with.
I was feeling really unfulfilled and yet again, lost.
I had been ticking boxes for so long and now this job of mine was not ticking THE box, itself. I had been on this journey for so long just merely going through the motions, that I lost sight of my true ambition and intention.
It was through conversation with a great mentor and friend, that I realised I was doing it all wrong. I was putting all my proverbial eggs in ONE basket. I was expecting my job to fulfil each little criterion I had set out as meaning that I was satisfied, in all areas. After all this time, I still hadn’t learned that life does not work this way. Just as you will never find a partner that fits every quality on your wish list, you must have room for shortfalls and then you can measure how important that specific requirement is in the overall scheme of things. Each criterion cannot have equal weight and value and needs to be measured in context, in isolation and as a whole. We need to consider what we can (and cannot) compromise on. Establish what will provide the feeling of accomplishment and then take control of it from that perspective.
By no means am I suggesting that anyone should ever settle for less. Not at all. Just, that it is not as simple or black and white as having a requirements list and checking it off. However much my brain was trained this way, it cannot be applied in all areas of life.
Value can be found and achieved in various ways and through different mechanisms.
I was sitting and waiting for a job that was going to make me feel like I was doing MORE. Like I wasn’t a sell out. Like I was helping people on a real fundamental level.
So at this point, I am feeling quite unfulfilled – bear in mind this is also in the midst of a pandemic, lockdown and all round strange times, I had a great epiphany. I identified the root cause of feeling this way and that I didn’t actually need my job to provide me with a platform to give back. I didn’t need to work for Amnesty International to give back. So I found the meaning I needed, outside of my job. And, I realised that I could use my technical skills to do this.
I realised that a little girl's dreams CAN come true. That she doesn’t need a soap box or a specific role or job. I realised that I have the capacity, each day, to make a difference in someone’s life. However small or big. The “meaning” I was searching for was out there and could be reached – it just didn’t have to be part of my job description on a payroll.
That the scale of the difference doesn’t have to require protests, movements or amended bills.
I started reaching out to NPO’s and charities and volunteering – basically whatever they needed I would offer. And then, I realised that I have skills that could really benefit NPO’s - I could use my formal training to give back and I offered legal services to them (to the extent of being a non-practicing attorney). Conscious that these establishments don’t have the funds to pay lawyer fees, what better way could I actually give back? I helped with fixing up official documents, SARS applications, and Constitutions. And I am still on call if they need any legal services or referrals if the nature of the ask requires a practising attorney/specialist. Even just leveraging the corporate network can help!
I realised that I had become so focused on my career, that I had conditioned myself to believe that success and everything that comes along with feeling fulfilled, could only be achieved through one avenue. This is not the case, and I am so glad and grateful for this - it opens me up to so many more enriching experiences.
I have also learned that boxing all my expectations of fulfilment under one roof meant I was focusing less on my personal well-being which was severely adding to the levels of dissatisfaction. Instead of spending my time doing other things that would bring its own fulfilment and add to an overall full cup (arts, yoga, exercise), I was overworking the one horse. We are working on this, every day.
I still find myself in the trap of over-planning and thinking back to the “plans” I had when I was younger and questioning my journey, from time to time but I think its in a healthier way - a motivating way to push for growth.
Being aware of unhealthy habits and thought patterns has helped me to make conscious decisions for the better.
I have recently started a new job at a firm that do things in a slightly unorthodox way - somewhere I finally found my niche with a bunch of like minded, slightly left field lawyers trying to do things a little differently. And now, my priorities are a little different - work is just work. I enjoy my job thoroughly yes, but that doesn’t mean it has to be everything. I've come to realise that I can still achieve all the goals that I envisioned as a young girl; I can make a difference every day, even if it's through a small act of kindness or generosity. I can step up. I can have a healthy and balanced life with various facets that add to my happiness. I picture my life as a pie chart with sections for each part of my life and it’s in all these things, collectively, that add value and bring me fulfilment and continue to fill my cup!
And although it has been QUITE a journey, I can definitely say that 5 years ago I never could have dreamed I would be where I am today and I am pretty sure that any answer I had provided at the time, couldn't have come close to the reality of life 5 years later. We live and we learn :)
コメント