One of my favourite Bible verses, is Ecclesiastes 3:4 (so much so that I have a tattoo of the scripture). When I am feeling anxious or overwhelmed, it reminds me, that there is a time for everything. That there will be good, and that there will be bad and that I will be strong enough to brave the storm and that all things happen as and when they should. This has always provided comfort to me in distress.
Ecclesiastes 3:4: "A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance."
I recently pondered on this verse, from a different perspective. A close friend, recently lost her father very unexpectedly. I say that lightly as I don't believe that even when it is "expected" it is expected. Another good friend, lost her mother just soon after this. This was a little more expected (but not really); in the space of a month, my friend went from having her best friend beside her, to having to relay the devastating news that her mother had unfortunately lost a very brief fight with cancer. From diagnosis to end, less than a month. By the word's meaning itself then, this was expected. Because the perpetrator was known. It was foreseen. Right?
On the one hand, there was tragedy without warning at all and then there was tragedy with little advance warning. So how much time would have been enough? Would it had been any less devastating if either of these two tragedies were not so shocking, so quick - if there was more time? Time is a funny thing...
But I digress.. these very tragic events got me to thinking about the process of mourning. I say process because although to "mourn" is a verb, there is no time stamp on this action word.
Grief, a noun, is a physical state of being. A physical manifestation.
There are defining moments in a persons life, I think; the day you get married, when your child/children are born, when you lose a parent. There is something so defining about the latter. I don't believe that anyone can say they were the same person before and after such a loss. Your parents are your first friends, they are there for every milestone, for every highlight and scraped knee and for every tantrum and bad mood - and they loved you anyway. Unconditionally.* And when you experience this loss, a part of you will never heal. Not completely. A part of you is lost to this trauma and cannot be recovered like a forgotten password.
But while you are going through the motions of coming to terms with this, with trying to force your to brain comprehend that this is the new reality, a shock to the system every day you wake up and it hits you like you have just heard it for the first time - people grow tired of this process. It makes people uncomfortable to deal with third party grief and they don't know how to approach a person in mourning. They miss the old you. The fun you. They want you to come out and play and be "okay" now. This is something I fail to understand. You don't have to experience something directly to be able to identify, empathise and be understanding. A side effect of the selfish world we find ourselves in, I guess.
I don't believe that mourning, or grief, has a beginning, middle or end. There is no finish line. There is no end. It is a journey. You find ways to cope, but it is not something that you move on from. It is not something you "get over". Time cannot heal all wounds. The wounds remain. However in time, the mind helps us to numb the pain to protect our sanity. But it is never really gone.
So really, the "time" to mourn comes in waves, it ebbs and it flows. It is not a defined time at all.
While I am dissecting this scripture from various perspectives, and what it means to experience mourning, I am still reminded (by this scripture) that despite the grief that comes with such loss, there is a time where the sun will shine again, where the memories will be less bitter sweet and make you smile more than it does cry, where you will laugh again unapologetically and you will enjoy the simple joys of life, with ease again.
A time where you won't be all consumed by the pain, but you will feel it in quiet moments of reflection.
A time where you, might not feel whole again, but you will be a more complete version of the new you.
This scripture is still giving me comfort, that that there is a season for every activity under the heavens.
*I know that not everyone has a relationship with their parents as described and this might not resonate with everyone. This is written from my own perspective.
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